Here I go again - blogging. This could only mean my emotions are up at the moment. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I think I'm a person with a very high standard when it comes to people. At least that's how I see myself. Sometimes, how I see myself is a complete contradiction of how other people see me. But I guess all of us are like that. We often see ourselves from our own perspective (of course!) and often in an image we want to project, which could be completely different from what we truly project or how others perceive it. Okay, let's leave the image, projection and perspectives for now.
Have you ever been pissed off? I guess we all had been. Stupid question. Well, just today, I got pissed off by someone. Not that she wants to piss me off. It's just that I get pissed off by the things she say/do/doesn't say/doesn't do. But I guess I'm just normal in that I often get pissed off by people who other people, few or many, would get pissed off as well. But the problem is not that. Of course, being annoyed and pissed is a problem but there's more to it. I think I have a very low EQ. I can't seem to control my emotions - especially the bad ones. They control me. When someone pisses me off, I always look for ways to piss them. I know what I am thinking is not good and appropriate, but the urge of having a revenge is so strong like an itch you know you shouldn't scratch but can't help doing it. The people who piss me off are usually not aware that they are pissing me off. They are often "nice" to me in some ways. And when finally I will succeed in pissing them through actions/insults, I won't feel good at all. In fact, I will feel worse (which is what I'm feeling right now). When I try to piss them, I won't make my intentions clear. It's as if I'm just doing something normal and pretend to accidentally say/do something which I know would hurt them like point out their ugly sides/weaknesses/failures. I know, I'm so mean. And the urge to do that is too strong I could almost taste the sweetness of the revenge when I'm about to do it and imagine the suffering or pain they'll be getting. But after doing so will I realize that revenge is in fact, very bitter. Now I don't know why I keep on using the word "revenge" here when it probably isn't what you would call revenge. I'm trying to hurt back people who unintentionally disappoint me. Sometimes, I would even think that maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe it's just me.. Maybe if other people were on my shoes, they wouldn't really be disappointed. Maybe because in the first place, I don't like the person and some others don't like them as well that I get so disappointed in the little things they say or do. Sometimes, even just hearing them speak would make me gnash my teeth. What's worse is that I love the person I just tried to hurt today. Yes, I don't like her but I love her so much, which makes it even feel worse seeing her get hurt. And no, I'm not the type of person who would say "sorry". I may have a very high pride and have difficulty in accepting my mistakes. I just often try to leave the situation as it is and let time do the healing. Sigh.. so sad really. To know what's wrong and yet do it and to know what's right and not do it. T_T
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Love
My parents are not into good terms with each other. They barely even talk to each other now. When they do, they would fight. Just recently, they had a fight. I always hate to see them fighting. Who wouldn't hate to see their parents fighting?
Oftentimes, I begin to hate one or the other when they fight. I hate my father for becoming physically and verbally abusive. He also gets into alcohol abuse. Not that he wouldn't if they aren't fighting. It's just that he would drink as long as he's awake when he's not in the mood. And it would take many days for him to get over their fight. No, he wouldn't really get over it. But at least, somehow, I think he would forget it as time passes by... until the next fight comes along. He couldn't control his emotions. When he's angry, he could be really mean. He just threw away the pictures where my mom is present, because according to him he could no longer stand seeing my mom's face. Whenever he sees her or is reminded of her, he is reminded of all the hurt and pain that she has caused him.
I hate my mother for provoking my father. She can't say things nicely. She's not soft-spoken at all. She would say things that would not just piss my father off... She also pisses me off. It's not really in the things that she say. Although sometimes it is. But most of the time I think it's in the way she say it. When she comes home from work, she would start complaining about everything - the plates not washed, the garbage not thrown out, the laundry, etc, etc. Hey, other people can tell me things she tells me without pissing me off. She's also in denial. Whenever we try to tell her her shortcomings, she would try to convince us that she's not like that. Now, how in the world could she change when she won't even acknowledge her shortcomings? For example, when she wouldn't throw her rubbish, we would have a "revenge" on her by complaining about it. Then, the next time she sees a rubbish not thrown, she would say something like "Why is this rubbish left on the table? Your father always leave his rubbish just about anywhere but if it were me who did it, he would complain." Duh!!!! He was just giving back to you what you were doing to him/us. But I didn't say that anyway because I know that would be the start of yet another fight.. another argument not worth taking... it won't change a thing anyway because it'll just end up in denials and recollection of past failures. She's also not the affectionate type. I had never hear her blurt out the words "I love you". She never show she cares for us. No wonder father often doubts her love. As a mother and a wife, she should be the one to take care of us, see to it that we have food for dinner.. but no, she's not like that. She would eat her dinner, and wouldn't care if we had one. We are old enough to take care of ourselves anyway. Father would complain to her that as a wife, she should cook for us. So sometimes, she would cook for us. But in my opinion, it's just to keep away from arguments and fights. She would cook the same type of dish over and over again. Obviously, she's not cooking for love, is she?
Recently, one of my favorite writer and preacher wrote an article about love and relationship. According to him, we should make an effort to keep a healthy relationship. I absolutely agree with that. Relationship is not something we can just keep. We have to nurture it. I'm angry with mom about that too. I don't see any effort from her to nurture the relationship. Like I said, she's not affectionate.. As a wife, she should have been submissive too. But, according to father, and I have observed this as well, that she makes a decision as if she doesn't have any partner at all.
Now, don't get me wrong. My mom is not that bad. She does some good things too. The things I mentioned are just the things that I'm pissed off with at the moment. It pains me a lot to see them hurt each other. It pains me to see them giving up on their relationship. It hurts so much!
Even when I was a bit younger than I am now, I would often wonder how a very good relationship could turn out sour. I'm not just talking here about my parent's relationship but in other relationships as well. Why are there break ups? They must have so much love for each other at the start. Where has the love gone? How can it fade? Then I thought about infatuation. They must be just infatuated before. Something that could not last. And as I read the article of my favorite writer about love, he just confirmed what I thought. He simply wrote down what I was thinking. Infatuation - the thing most people mistake for love. I think that's another reason why I never had a boyfriend before. I had a deeper understanding for love than most people, or so I think. Whenever I feel something for someone, I wouldn't instantly jump into the conclusion that I'm in love. I would reassess my feelings. I would assess the person if he would be someone I could continue loving when all the feelings are gone. Would he be the same to me? Or would he fall out of love the moment he sees my shortcomings? Coz you see, I'm quite popular in school, and the thing about being popular is that a lot of people you don't know know you. The truth is, they don't really know you personally, just from afar. But they think they do. And they had a lot of perceptions about you which they believe is true. So, I would think that my admirers like me for what they perceive me to be. In reality, they don't love me because they don't know me that much. Love is a choice. It is a decision. You just can't decide to love a person without knowing the good and bad sides of the person, can you?
That being said, I won't conclude that those lovers who are infatuated with each other will one day part ways. There are a lot of those who, after being lovers for sometime, develop their infatuation into love.
Oftentimes, I begin to hate one or the other when they fight. I hate my father for becoming physically and verbally abusive. He also gets into alcohol abuse. Not that he wouldn't if they aren't fighting. It's just that he would drink as long as he's awake when he's not in the mood. And it would take many days for him to get over their fight. No, he wouldn't really get over it. But at least, somehow, I think he would forget it as time passes by... until the next fight comes along. He couldn't control his emotions. When he's angry, he could be really mean. He just threw away the pictures where my mom is present, because according to him he could no longer stand seeing my mom's face. Whenever he sees her or is reminded of her, he is reminded of all the hurt and pain that she has caused him.
I hate my mother for provoking my father. She can't say things nicely. She's not soft-spoken at all. She would say things that would not just piss my father off... She also pisses me off. It's not really in the things that she say. Although sometimes it is. But most of the time I think it's in the way she say it. When she comes home from work, she would start complaining about everything - the plates not washed, the garbage not thrown out, the laundry, etc, etc. Hey, other people can tell me things she tells me without pissing me off. She's also in denial. Whenever we try to tell her her shortcomings, she would try to convince us that she's not like that. Now, how in the world could she change when she won't even acknowledge her shortcomings? For example, when she wouldn't throw her rubbish, we would have a "revenge" on her by complaining about it. Then, the next time she sees a rubbish not thrown, she would say something like "Why is this rubbish left on the table? Your father always leave his rubbish just about anywhere but if it were me who did it, he would complain." Duh!!!! He was just giving back to you what you were doing to him/us. But I didn't say that anyway because I know that would be the start of yet another fight.. another argument not worth taking... it won't change a thing anyway because it'll just end up in denials and recollection of past failures. She's also not the affectionate type. I had never hear her blurt out the words "I love you". She never show she cares for us. No wonder father often doubts her love. As a mother and a wife, she should be the one to take care of us, see to it that we have food for dinner.. but no, she's not like that. She would eat her dinner, and wouldn't care if we had one. We are old enough to take care of ourselves anyway. Father would complain to her that as a wife, she should cook for us. So sometimes, she would cook for us. But in my opinion, it's just to keep away from arguments and fights. She would cook the same type of dish over and over again. Obviously, she's not cooking for love, is she?
Recently, one of my favorite writer and preacher wrote an article about love and relationship. According to him, we should make an effort to keep a healthy relationship. I absolutely agree with that. Relationship is not something we can just keep. We have to nurture it. I'm angry with mom about that too. I don't see any effort from her to nurture the relationship. Like I said, she's not affectionate.. As a wife, she should have been submissive too. But, according to father, and I have observed this as well, that she makes a decision as if she doesn't have any partner at all.
Now, don't get me wrong. My mom is not that bad. She does some good things too. The things I mentioned are just the things that I'm pissed off with at the moment. It pains me a lot to see them hurt each other. It pains me to see them giving up on their relationship. It hurts so much!
Even when I was a bit younger than I am now, I would often wonder how a very good relationship could turn out sour. I'm not just talking here about my parent's relationship but in other relationships as well. Why are there break ups? They must have so much love for each other at the start. Where has the love gone? How can it fade? Then I thought about infatuation. They must be just infatuated before. Something that could not last. And as I read the article of my favorite writer about love, he just confirmed what I thought. He simply wrote down what I was thinking. Infatuation - the thing most people mistake for love. I think that's another reason why I never had a boyfriend before. I had a deeper understanding for love than most people, or so I think. Whenever I feel something for someone, I wouldn't instantly jump into the conclusion that I'm in love. I would reassess my feelings. I would assess the person if he would be someone I could continue loving when all the feelings are gone. Would he be the same to me? Or would he fall out of love the moment he sees my shortcomings? Coz you see, I'm quite popular in school, and the thing about being popular is that a lot of people you don't know know you. The truth is, they don't really know you personally, just from afar. But they think they do. And they had a lot of perceptions about you which they believe is true. So, I would think that my admirers like me for what they perceive me to be. In reality, they don't love me because they don't know me that much. Love is a choice. It is a decision. You just can't decide to love a person without knowing the good and bad sides of the person, can you?
That being said, I won't conclude that those lovers who are infatuated with each other will one day part ways. There are a lot of those who, after being lovers for sometime, develop their infatuation into love.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Chat
A couple of days ago, I had a chat with someone I met in high school. He was heartbroken and needed diversion. And so we were sending instant messages for hours. It's been a very long time since our last communication. Maybe about 6 years. He happens to be a very close friend of my high school crush. And then he started asking me who my crushes in high school were. I had no plans whatsoever of telling him I was crushing on his friend. No way! That would be so embarrassing. And besides, he might tell him. They are very good friends, I just wouldn't let my guards down even if he had promised me he wouldn't tell anyone, not even his good friend (my crush). But he wouldn't stop insisting. And so, I decided to tell him. I enumerated their names to him but his friend's. He doesn't know them anyway so I wouldn't be bothered by my crushes knowing about my feelings for them. There's no way he could tell them. And then he started asking if I ever had a crush on his friend. What the... Does he know? Is he suspecting? Why did he ask? I denied it, of course. And then he was telling me his friend had a crush on me. Really? Can he be telling the truth? I never suspected that. I even thought he didn't know me at all. I felt invisible to him. I told him he was lying. But he said he wasn't and that he knew because they were really close and that his friend would tell him his crushes. It might be true, you know. Aside from the fact that I wanted to believe him, I have (I think, rational) reasons to believe him. First of all, he had never lied to me. And even if he was indeed lying, I couldn't see any reason why he would. Secondly, why has he thought of that? He must not have all of a sudden made that up. I knew and talked to a lot of friends of his, but why did he talk about my crush in particular, who by the way was someone I didn't even talk to? And thirdly, I remembered two particular incidents in high school which somehow made me speculate as to whether he (my crush) knew me and was crushing on me. And it was because of those incidents that I started noticing him. But after those two, I had never encountered any similar incidents with him and we were then both pretending (at least I think he was pretending) that we do not know each other at all. And that made me brush off the idea before that he was crushing on me. And then a few years after high school, our paths crossed again. But this time, we became friends. Though not the close type, more like acquaintances. During our first encounter after high school, it seems as if it was the first time he has ever met me. That made me come to the conclusion that he didn't know me in high school at all.
That is just one of the experiences I had with my crushes. Most of the time, the person I am crushing on also has a crush on me. But most of the time still, I would find out about it when the person is no longer crushing on me or is already taken. I couldn't understand why the guys that I want couldn't gather up guts to tell me or show me their feelings. Usually they show their feelings for just a few times and they would appear to be so shy. Obviously, it's just to me they are like that. Because they all are taken now, which means they had the guts to come to another girl and ask her out. Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes, I would be flattered by the idea that they might think they are not worthy of me or something like that. But I'm just not sure if that's the reason. Or is it just that I appear to be hard-to-get and they are afraid of failing? I get turned off by guys who are afraid of failing, by the way. Though, I myself am also afraid of failing. Gee, I don't know. I just hope my Mr. Right would come at the right place and at the right time and with the right moves, the kind of move that would sweep me off my feet.. the kind of move that is sincere and not hesitant..
That is just one of the experiences I had with my crushes. Most of the time, the person I am crushing on also has a crush on me. But most of the time still, I would find out about it when the person is no longer crushing on me or is already taken. I couldn't understand why the guys that I want couldn't gather up guts to tell me or show me their feelings. Usually they show their feelings for just a few times and they would appear to be so shy. Obviously, it's just to me they are like that. Because they all are taken now, which means they had the guts to come to another girl and ask her out. Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes, I would be flattered by the idea that they might think they are not worthy of me or something like that. But I'm just not sure if that's the reason. Or is it just that I appear to be hard-to-get and they are afraid of failing? I get turned off by guys who are afraid of failing, by the way. Though, I myself am also afraid of failing. Gee, I don't know. I just hope my Mr. Right would come at the right place and at the right time and with the right moves, the kind of move that would sweep me off my feet.. the kind of move that is sincere and not hesitant..
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Blogging
Blogging has been popular for quite a long time now. Funny how late I have decided to blog. I have always been attracted to blogging. I'm a person who would want to share my experiences, thoughts and emotions. It's just that I'm also very coward. I'm afraid of being criticized (for my thoughts, beliefs, and even simple things like spellings and grammars). Well it's not really the criticism for those that would affect me but sometimes, people tend to criticize the person behind those (e.g. "The writer of this must be very dumb. He/She can't even spell right.") Maybe because I grew up in a society where everyone is looking out for other's mistakes and try to pull each other down. And since I often try to play safe, I'd rather keep things to myself or to the people whom I trust would not judge me for the mistakes that I make or the beliefs and thoughts that I have. If I'm in a very sensitive situation, wherein I feel the very people that I can confide in are the very people involved in my situation, I'd just write in my diary. (But most of the time, I am too lazy to write. No wonder my diary for about 5 years has just a very few entries in it.) I'm afraid of being called names too such as a drama queen (since the passion for expressing my emotions often comes when I feel very low). I'm afraid of exposing too much of myself (since I often write about things that are happening or has happened to me and yet, still want to have my privacy). The only blogs I have written before this were my blogs in my Friendster account. Although it feels good to have blogged, I have been very cautious of not exposing too much. So, all in all, it doesn't really feel THAT good to be hiding a lot of things I so very want to express. It just defeats the purpose. So people might ask, "So why blog then? You could just write them in your diary instead." True. But ironic as it may seem, I want other people to read my posts and make comments and/or share their opinions and/or criticize them (without criticizing the person behind them). And so, I have decided to blog and be anonymous.Now, I don't know how other people might find out about this blog of mine when I have no plans of telling my friends about them (which defeats the purpose of being anonymous). Still, I hope some people will. But if no one will drop by, oh well.. at least I can express myself here and make an account of the things that has happened and/or will be happening to me. So you might be wondering why I want to remain anonymous when this blog is almost a secret. It's because it's just that.. ALMOST. I remember encountering a friend's blog whom he has kept a secret and poured out his secrets there. I didn't tell him I found out about his blog anyway. I don't want to disappoint him.
Aside from feeling the need to express the overflowing emotions I, and I'm sure all of us, sometimes have, I also think my life is too interesting not to share. My life may seem to be more boring that the average person's life. And I myself have told people who were asking for information about updates of my life that I have nothing to share because my life is just too boring. But then again, when I looked beyond the series of boring events in my life and saw the bigger picture, I realized just how interesting it is. It is so amazing how everything just falls into place. It seems everything has been carefully planned right from the start. Every boring bit of it is a part of a very interesting journey. Even the failures that I experienced turned out to be blessings which I had only realized years after the failure and looking back from where I am now. That's why I think it would be a great idea to make an account of the things that has happened, to appreciate things like that. And yes, I praise GOD for He indeed is a genius behind it. (And this is another thing I like about blogging anonymously. I could give God the credit for all the blessings he has showered upon me without sounding too showy. I mean, I know a lot of people who would criticize other people for talking about God or even going to church and yet, doesn't stay away from sinning. I know I am a sinner and could sin as well but that (and other people) shouldn't stop me from praising God for being so wonderful.)
Aside from feeling the need to express the overflowing emotions I, and I'm sure all of us, sometimes have, I also think my life is too interesting not to share. My life may seem to be more boring that the average person's life. And I myself have told people who were asking for information about updates of my life that I have nothing to share because my life is just too boring. But then again, when I looked beyond the series of boring events in my life and saw the bigger picture, I realized just how interesting it is. It is so amazing how everything just falls into place. It seems everything has been carefully planned right from the start. Every boring bit of it is a part of a very interesting journey. Even the failures that I experienced turned out to be blessings which I had only realized years after the failure and looking back from where I am now. That's why I think it would be a great idea to make an account of the things that has happened, to appreciate things like that. And yes, I praise GOD for He indeed is a genius behind it. (And this is another thing I like about blogging anonymously. I could give God the credit for all the blessings he has showered upon me without sounding too showy. I mean, I know a lot of people who would criticize other people for talking about God or even going to church and yet, doesn't stay away from sinning. I know I am a sinner and could sin as well but that (and other people) shouldn't stop me from praising God for being so wonderful.)
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