The Chat

A couple of days ago, I had a chat with someone I met in high school. He was heartbroken and needed diversion. And so we were sending instant messages for hours. It's been a very long time since our last communication. Maybe about 6 years. He happens to be a very close friend of my high school crush. And then he started asking me who my crushes in high school were. I had no plans whatsoever of telling him I was crushing on his friend. No way! That would be so embarrassing. And besides, he might tell him. They are very good friends, I just wouldn't let my guards down even if he had promised me he wouldn't tell anyone, not even his good friend (my crush). But he wouldn't stop insisting. And so, I decided to tell him. I enumerated their names to him but his friend's. He doesn't know them anyway so I wouldn't be bothered by my crushes knowing about my feelings for them. There's no way he could tell them. And then he started asking if I ever had a crush on his friend. What the... Does he know? Is he suspecting? Why did he ask? I denied it, of course. And then he was telling me his friend had a crush on me. Really? Can he be telling the truth? I never suspected that. I even thought he didn't know me at all. I felt invisible to him. I told him he was lying. But he said he wasn't and that he knew because they were really close and that his friend would tell him his crushes. It might be true, you know. Aside from the fact that I wanted to believe him, I have (I think, rational) reasons to believe him. First of all, he had never lied to me. And even if he was indeed lying, I couldn't see any reason why he would. Secondly, why has he thought of that? He must not have all of a sudden made that up. I knew and talked to a lot of friends of his, but why did he talk about my crush in particular, who by the way was someone I didn't even talk to? And thirdly, I remembered two particular incidents in high school which somehow made me speculate as to whether he (my crush) knew me and was crushing on me. And it was because of those incidents that I started noticing him. But after those two, I had never encountered any similar incidents with him and we were then both pretending (at least I think he was pretending) that we do not know each other at all. And that made me brush off the idea before that he was crushing on me. And then a few years after high school, our paths crossed again. But this time, we became friends. Though not the close type, more like acquaintances. During our first encounter after high school, it seems as if it was the first time he has ever met me. That made me come to the conclusion that he didn't know me in high school at all.

That is just one of the experiences I had with my crushes. Most of the time, the person I am crushing on also has a crush on me. But most of the time still, I would find out about it when the person is no longer crushing on me or is already taken. I couldn't understand why the guys that I want couldn't gather up guts to tell me or show me their feelings. Usually they show their feelings for just a few times and they would appear to be so shy. Obviously, it's just to me they are like that. Because they all are taken now, which means they had the guts to come to another girl and ask her out. Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes, I would be flattered by the idea that they might think they are not worthy of me or something like that. But I'm just not sure if that's the reason. Or is it just that I appear to be hard-to-get and they are afraid of failing? I get turned off by guys who are afraid of failing, by the way. Though, I myself am also afraid of failing. Gee, I don't know. I just hope my Mr. Right would come at the right place and at the right time and with the right moves, the kind of move that would sweep me off my feet.. the kind of move that is sincere and not hesitant..

Blogging

Blogging has been popular for quite a long time now. Funny how late I have decided to blog. I have always been attracted to blogging. I'm a person who would want to share my experiences, thoughts and emotions. It's just that I'm also very coward. I'm afraid of being criticized (for my thoughts, beliefs, and even simple things like spellings and grammars). Well it's not really the criticism for those that would affect me but sometimes, people tend to criticize the person behind those (e.g. "The writer of this must be very dumb. He/She can't even spell right.") Maybe because I grew up in a society where everyone is looking out for other's mistakes and try to pull each other down. And since I often try to play safe, I'd rather keep things to myself or to the people whom I trust would not judge me for the mistakes that I make or the beliefs and thoughts that I have. If I'm in a very sensitive situation, wherein I feel the very people that I can confide in are the very people involved in my situation, I'd just write in my diary. (But most of the time, I am too lazy to write. No wonder my diary for about 5 years has just a very few entries in it.) I'm afraid of being called names too such as a drama queen (since the passion for expressing my emotions often comes when I feel very low). I'm afraid of exposing too much of myself (since I often write about things that are happening or has happened to me and yet, still want to have my privacy). The only blogs I have written before this were my blogs in my Friendster account. Although it feels good to have blogged, I have been very cautious of not exposing too much. So, all in all, it doesn't really feel THAT good to be hiding a lot of things I so very want to express. It just defeats the purpose. So people might ask, "So why blog then? You could just write them in your diary instead." True. But ironic as it may seem, I want other people to read my posts and make comments and/or share their opinions and/or criticize them (without criticizing the person behind them). And so, I have decided to blog and be anonymous.Now, I don't know how other people might find out about this blog of mine when I have no plans of telling my friends about them (which defeats the purpose of being anonymous). Still, I hope some people will. But if no one will drop by, oh well.. at least I can express  myself here and make an account of the things that has happened and/or will be happening to me. So you might be wondering why I want to remain anonymous when this blog is almost a secret. It's because it's just that.. ALMOST. I remember encountering a friend's blog whom he has kept a secret and poured out his secrets there. I didn't tell him I found out about his blog anyway. I don't want to disappoint him.

Aside from feeling the need to express the overflowing emotions I, and I'm sure all of us, sometimes have, I also think my life is too interesting not to share. My life may seem to be more boring that the average person's life. And I myself have told people who were asking for information about updates of my life that I have nothing to share because my life is just too boring. But then again, when I looked beyond the series of boring events in my life and saw the bigger picture, I realized just how interesting it is. It is so amazing how everything just falls into place. It seems everything has been carefully planned right from the start. Every boring bit of it is a part of a very interesting journey. Even the failures that I experienced turned out to be blessings which I had only realized years after the failure and looking back from where I am now. That's why I think it would be a great idea to make an account of the things that has happened, to appreciate things like that. And yes, I praise GOD for He indeed is a genius behind it. (And this is another thing I like about blogging anonymously. I could give God the credit for all the blessings he has showered upon me without sounding too showy. I mean, I know a lot of people who would criticize other people for talking about God or even going to church and yet, doesn't stay away from sinning. I know I am a sinner and could sin as well but that (and other people) shouldn't stop me from praising God for being so wonderful.)