Revenge is Sweet

Here I go again - blogging. This could only mean my emotions are up at the moment. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I think I'm a person with a very high standard when it comes to people. At least that's how I see myself. Sometimes, how I see myself is a complete contradiction of how other people see me. But I guess all of us are like that. We often see ourselves from our own perspective (of course!) and often in an image we want to project, which could be completely different from what we truly project or how others perceive it. Okay, let's leave the image, projection and perspectives for now.

Have you ever been pissed off? I guess we all had been. Stupid question. Well, just today, I got pissed off by someone. Not that she wants to piss me off. It's just that I get pissed off by the things she say/do/doesn't say/doesn't do. But I guess I'm just normal in that I often get pissed off by people who other people, few or many, would get pissed off as well. But the problem is not that. Of course, being annoyed and pissed is a problem but there's more to it. I think I have a very low EQ. I can't seem to control my emotions - especially the bad ones. They control me. When someone pisses me off, I always look for ways to piss them. I know what I am thinking is not good and appropriate, but the urge of having a revenge is so strong like an itch you know you shouldn't scratch but can't help doing it. The people who piss me off are usually not aware that they are pissing me off. They are often "nice" to me in some ways. And when finally I will succeed in pissing them through actions/insults, I won't feel good at all. In fact, I will feel worse (which is what I'm feeling right now). When I try to piss them, I won't make my intentions clear. It's as if I'm just doing something normal and pretend to accidentally say/do something which I know would hurt them like point out their ugly sides/weaknesses/failures. I know, I'm so mean. And the urge to do that is too strong I could almost taste the sweetness of the revenge when I'm about to do it and imagine the suffering or pain they'll be getting. But after doing so will I realize that revenge is in fact, very bitter. Now I don't know why I keep on using the word "revenge" here when it probably isn't what you would call revenge. I'm trying to hurt back people who unintentionally disappoint me. Sometimes, I would even think that maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe it's just me.. Maybe if other people were on my shoes, they wouldn't really be disappointed. Maybe because in the first place, I don't like the person and some others don't like them as well that I get so disappointed in the little things they say or do. Sometimes, even just hearing them speak would make me gnash my teeth. What's worse is that I love the person I just tried to hurt today. Yes, I don't like her but I love her so much, which makes it even feel worse seeing her get hurt. And no, I'm not the type of person who would say "sorry". I may have a very high pride and have difficulty in accepting my mistakes. I just often try to leave the situation as it is and let time do the healing. Sigh.. so sad really. To know what's wrong and yet do it and to know what's right and not do it. T_T