The Chat

A couple of days ago, I had a chat with someone I met in high school. He was heartbroken and needed diversion. And so we were sending instant messages for hours. It's been a very long time since our last communication. Maybe about 6 years. He happens to be a very close friend of my high school crush. And then he started asking me who my crushes in high school were. I had no plans whatsoever of telling him I was crushing on his friend. No way! That would be so embarrassing. And besides, he might tell him. They are very good friends, I just wouldn't let my guards down even if he had promised me he wouldn't tell anyone, not even his good friend (my crush). But he wouldn't stop insisting. And so, I decided to tell him. I enumerated their names to him but his friend's. He doesn't know them anyway so I wouldn't be bothered by my crushes knowing about my feelings for them. There's no way he could tell them. And then he started asking if I ever had a crush on his friend. What the... Does he know? Is he suspecting? Why did he ask? I denied it, of course. And then he was telling me his friend had a crush on me. Really? Can he be telling the truth? I never suspected that. I even thought he didn't know me at all. I felt invisible to him. I told him he was lying. But he said he wasn't and that he knew because they were really close and that his friend would tell him his crushes. It might be true, you know. Aside from the fact that I wanted to believe him, I have (I think, rational) reasons to believe him. First of all, he had never lied to me. And even if he was indeed lying, I couldn't see any reason why he would. Secondly, why has he thought of that? He must not have all of a sudden made that up. I knew and talked to a lot of friends of his, but why did he talk about my crush in particular, who by the way was someone I didn't even talk to? And thirdly, I remembered two particular incidents in high school which somehow made me speculate as to whether he (my crush) knew me and was crushing on me. And it was because of those incidents that I started noticing him. But after those two, I had never encountered any similar incidents with him and we were then both pretending (at least I think he was pretending) that we do not know each other at all. And that made me brush off the idea before that he was crushing on me. And then a few years after high school, our paths crossed again. But this time, we became friends. Though not the close type, more like acquaintances. During our first encounter after high school, it seems as if it was the first time he has ever met me. That made me come to the conclusion that he didn't know me in high school at all.

That is just one of the experiences I had with my crushes. Most of the time, the person I am crushing on also has a crush on me. But most of the time still, I would find out about it when the person is no longer crushing on me or is already taken. I couldn't understand why the guys that I want couldn't gather up guts to tell me or show me their feelings. Usually they show their feelings for just a few times and they would appear to be so shy. Obviously, it's just to me they are like that. Because they all are taken now, which means they had the guts to come to another girl and ask her out. Is there something wrong with me? Sometimes, I would be flattered by the idea that they might think they are not worthy of me or something like that. But I'm just not sure if that's the reason. Or is it just that I appear to be hard-to-get and they are afraid of failing? I get turned off by guys who are afraid of failing, by the way. Though, I myself am also afraid of failing. Gee, I don't know. I just hope my Mr. Right would come at the right place and at the right time and with the right moves, the kind of move that would sweep me off my feet.. the kind of move that is sincere and not hesitant..