Here I go again - blogging. This could only mean my emotions are up at the moment. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I think I'm a person with a very high standard when it comes to people. At least that's how I see myself. Sometimes, how I see myself is a complete contradiction of how other people see me. But I guess all of us are like that. We often see ourselves from our own perspective (of course!) and often in an image we want to project, which could be completely different from what we truly project or how others perceive it. Okay, let's leave the image, projection and perspectives for now.
Have you ever been pissed off? I guess we all had been. Stupid question. Well, just today, I got pissed off by someone. Not that she wants to piss me off. It's just that I get pissed off by the things she say/do/doesn't say/doesn't do. But I guess I'm just normal in that I often get pissed off by people who other people, few or many, would get pissed off as well. But the problem is not that. Of course, being annoyed and pissed is a problem but there's more to it. I think I have a very low EQ. I can't seem to control my emotions - especially the bad ones. They control me. When someone pisses me off, I always look for ways to piss them. I know what I am thinking is not good and appropriate, but the urge of having a revenge is so strong like an itch you know you shouldn't scratch but can't help doing it. The people who piss me off are usually not aware that they are pissing me off. They are often "nice" to me in some ways. And when finally I will succeed in pissing them through actions/insults, I won't feel good at all. In fact, I will feel worse (which is what I'm feeling right now). When I try to piss them, I won't make my intentions clear. It's as if I'm just doing something normal and pretend to accidentally say/do something which I know would hurt them like point out their ugly sides/weaknesses/failures. I know, I'm so mean. And the urge to do that is too strong I could almost taste the sweetness of the revenge when I'm about to do it and imagine the suffering or pain they'll be getting. But after doing so will I realize that revenge is in fact, very bitter. Now I don't know why I keep on using the word "revenge" here when it probably isn't what you would call revenge. I'm trying to hurt back people who unintentionally disappoint me. Sometimes, I would even think that maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe it's just me.. Maybe if other people were on my shoes, they wouldn't really be disappointed. Maybe because in the first place, I don't like the person and some others don't like them as well that I get so disappointed in the little things they say or do. Sometimes, even just hearing them speak would make me gnash my teeth. What's worse is that I love the person I just tried to hurt today. Yes, I don't like her but I love her so much, which makes it even feel worse seeing her get hurt. And no, I'm not the type of person who would say "sorry". I may have a very high pride and have difficulty in accepting my mistakes. I just often try to leave the situation as it is and let time do the healing. Sigh.. so sad really. To know what's wrong and yet do it and to know what's right and not do it. T_T
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Love
My parents are not into good terms with each other. They barely even talk to each other now. When they do, they would fight. Just recently, they had a fight. I always hate to see them fighting. Who wouldn't hate to see their parents fighting?
Oftentimes, I begin to hate one or the other when they fight. I hate my father for becoming physically and verbally abusive. He also gets into alcohol abuse. Not that he wouldn't if they aren't fighting. It's just that he would drink as long as he's awake when he's not in the mood. And it would take many days for him to get over their fight. No, he wouldn't really get over it. But at least, somehow, I think he would forget it as time passes by... until the next fight comes along. He couldn't control his emotions. When he's angry, he could be really mean. He just threw away the pictures where my mom is present, because according to him he could no longer stand seeing my mom's face. Whenever he sees her or is reminded of her, he is reminded of all the hurt and pain that she has caused him.
I hate my mother for provoking my father. She can't say things nicely. She's not soft-spoken at all. She would say things that would not just piss my father off... She also pisses me off. It's not really in the things that she say. Although sometimes it is. But most of the time I think it's in the way she say it. When she comes home from work, she would start complaining about everything - the plates not washed, the garbage not thrown out, the laundry, etc, etc. Hey, other people can tell me things she tells me without pissing me off. She's also in denial. Whenever we try to tell her her shortcomings, she would try to convince us that she's not like that. Now, how in the world could she change when she won't even acknowledge her shortcomings? For example, when she wouldn't throw her rubbish, we would have a "revenge" on her by complaining about it. Then, the next time she sees a rubbish not thrown, she would say something like "Why is this rubbish left on the table? Your father always leave his rubbish just about anywhere but if it were me who did it, he would complain." Duh!!!! He was just giving back to you what you were doing to him/us. But I didn't say that anyway because I know that would be the start of yet another fight.. another argument not worth taking... it won't change a thing anyway because it'll just end up in denials and recollection of past failures. She's also not the affectionate type. I had never hear her blurt out the words "I love you". She never show she cares for us. No wonder father often doubts her love. As a mother and a wife, she should be the one to take care of us, see to it that we have food for dinner.. but no, she's not like that. She would eat her dinner, and wouldn't care if we had one. We are old enough to take care of ourselves anyway. Father would complain to her that as a wife, she should cook for us. So sometimes, she would cook for us. But in my opinion, it's just to keep away from arguments and fights. She would cook the same type of dish over and over again. Obviously, she's not cooking for love, is she?
Recently, one of my favorite writer and preacher wrote an article about love and relationship. According to him, we should make an effort to keep a healthy relationship. I absolutely agree with that. Relationship is not something we can just keep. We have to nurture it. I'm angry with mom about that too. I don't see any effort from her to nurture the relationship. Like I said, she's not affectionate.. As a wife, she should have been submissive too. But, according to father, and I have observed this as well, that she makes a decision as if she doesn't have any partner at all.
Now, don't get me wrong. My mom is not that bad. She does some good things too. The things I mentioned are just the things that I'm pissed off with at the moment. It pains me a lot to see them hurt each other. It pains me to see them giving up on their relationship. It hurts so much!
Even when I was a bit younger than I am now, I would often wonder how a very good relationship could turn out sour. I'm not just talking here about my parent's relationship but in other relationships as well. Why are there break ups? They must have so much love for each other at the start. Where has the love gone? How can it fade? Then I thought about infatuation. They must be just infatuated before. Something that could not last. And as I read the article of my favorite writer about love, he just confirmed what I thought. He simply wrote down what I was thinking. Infatuation - the thing most people mistake for love. I think that's another reason why I never had a boyfriend before. I had a deeper understanding for love than most people, or so I think. Whenever I feel something for someone, I wouldn't instantly jump into the conclusion that I'm in love. I would reassess my feelings. I would assess the person if he would be someone I could continue loving when all the feelings are gone. Would he be the same to me? Or would he fall out of love the moment he sees my shortcomings? Coz you see, I'm quite popular in school, and the thing about being popular is that a lot of people you don't know know you. The truth is, they don't really know you personally, just from afar. But they think they do. And they had a lot of perceptions about you which they believe is true. So, I would think that my admirers like me for what they perceive me to be. In reality, they don't love me because they don't know me that much. Love is a choice. It is a decision. You just can't decide to love a person without knowing the good and bad sides of the person, can you?
That being said, I won't conclude that those lovers who are infatuated with each other will one day part ways. There are a lot of those who, after being lovers for sometime, develop their infatuation into love.
Oftentimes, I begin to hate one or the other when they fight. I hate my father for becoming physically and verbally abusive. He also gets into alcohol abuse. Not that he wouldn't if they aren't fighting. It's just that he would drink as long as he's awake when he's not in the mood. And it would take many days for him to get over their fight. No, he wouldn't really get over it. But at least, somehow, I think he would forget it as time passes by... until the next fight comes along. He couldn't control his emotions. When he's angry, he could be really mean. He just threw away the pictures where my mom is present, because according to him he could no longer stand seeing my mom's face. Whenever he sees her or is reminded of her, he is reminded of all the hurt and pain that she has caused him.
I hate my mother for provoking my father. She can't say things nicely. She's not soft-spoken at all. She would say things that would not just piss my father off... She also pisses me off. It's not really in the things that she say. Although sometimes it is. But most of the time I think it's in the way she say it. When she comes home from work, she would start complaining about everything - the plates not washed, the garbage not thrown out, the laundry, etc, etc. Hey, other people can tell me things she tells me without pissing me off. She's also in denial. Whenever we try to tell her her shortcomings, she would try to convince us that she's not like that. Now, how in the world could she change when she won't even acknowledge her shortcomings? For example, when she wouldn't throw her rubbish, we would have a "revenge" on her by complaining about it. Then, the next time she sees a rubbish not thrown, she would say something like "Why is this rubbish left on the table? Your father always leave his rubbish just about anywhere but if it were me who did it, he would complain." Duh!!!! He was just giving back to you what you were doing to him/us. But I didn't say that anyway because I know that would be the start of yet another fight.. another argument not worth taking... it won't change a thing anyway because it'll just end up in denials and recollection of past failures. She's also not the affectionate type. I had never hear her blurt out the words "I love you". She never show she cares for us. No wonder father often doubts her love. As a mother and a wife, she should be the one to take care of us, see to it that we have food for dinner.. but no, she's not like that. She would eat her dinner, and wouldn't care if we had one. We are old enough to take care of ourselves anyway. Father would complain to her that as a wife, she should cook for us. So sometimes, she would cook for us. But in my opinion, it's just to keep away from arguments and fights. She would cook the same type of dish over and over again. Obviously, she's not cooking for love, is she?
Recently, one of my favorite writer and preacher wrote an article about love and relationship. According to him, we should make an effort to keep a healthy relationship. I absolutely agree with that. Relationship is not something we can just keep. We have to nurture it. I'm angry with mom about that too. I don't see any effort from her to nurture the relationship. Like I said, she's not affectionate.. As a wife, she should have been submissive too. But, according to father, and I have observed this as well, that she makes a decision as if she doesn't have any partner at all.
Now, don't get me wrong. My mom is not that bad. She does some good things too. The things I mentioned are just the things that I'm pissed off with at the moment. It pains me a lot to see them hurt each other. It pains me to see them giving up on their relationship. It hurts so much!
Even when I was a bit younger than I am now, I would often wonder how a very good relationship could turn out sour. I'm not just talking here about my parent's relationship but in other relationships as well. Why are there break ups? They must have so much love for each other at the start. Where has the love gone? How can it fade? Then I thought about infatuation. They must be just infatuated before. Something that could not last. And as I read the article of my favorite writer about love, he just confirmed what I thought. He simply wrote down what I was thinking. Infatuation - the thing most people mistake for love. I think that's another reason why I never had a boyfriend before. I had a deeper understanding for love than most people, or so I think. Whenever I feel something for someone, I wouldn't instantly jump into the conclusion that I'm in love. I would reassess my feelings. I would assess the person if he would be someone I could continue loving when all the feelings are gone. Would he be the same to me? Or would he fall out of love the moment he sees my shortcomings? Coz you see, I'm quite popular in school, and the thing about being popular is that a lot of people you don't know know you. The truth is, they don't really know you personally, just from afar. But they think they do. And they had a lot of perceptions about you which they believe is true. So, I would think that my admirers like me for what they perceive me to be. In reality, they don't love me because they don't know me that much. Love is a choice. It is a decision. You just can't decide to love a person without knowing the good and bad sides of the person, can you?
That being said, I won't conclude that those lovers who are infatuated with each other will one day part ways. There are a lot of those who, after being lovers for sometime, develop their infatuation into love.
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